Monster
by Harrypotterchick1
Summary: After being brainwashed, Bucky is getting his memory back by the help of Steve and Natasha. But, he realizes what he did, which he had forgotten, and can't forgive himself for it. T just to be on the safe side. Oh yeah, and there is gonna be a bit of Steve/Natasha, but no Steve/Bucky. Warning: This has spoilers of the Winter Soldier movie.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I only own the story, not any of the characters, Marvel does. And I am not Marvel, though I really wish I was. Well, I hope you enjoy this fanfic, and I hope it's good :)**

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Steve walked into the diner, where he would be meeting Bucky and Natasha, his partner and girlfriend, in only a couple of minutes.

Steve waited at the front of the restaurant, and looked to the left, where there was a colorful jukebox playing some band named 'The Beatles'. Steve smiled at the machine, glad that there was at least something from eighty years ago, not just the new iPods or MP3s or whatever you call them.

He saw Natasha walking up to the diner, and she strolled through the door. She smiled at Steve, and they waited only a couple of seconds before noticing a silver Toyota speeding towards the driveway, and parked into an available parking spot.

Bucky walked through the door, and the men near the counter, who were eyeing Natasha with interest, suddenly looked terrified and faced back at the front of them. Even though Steve knew there was nothing to be afraid of, he did admit the huge metal arm did look a bit threatening.

They sat in the corner of the room, trying not to gather that much attention. It was hard at first, what with two Avengers and the man who basically left Washington D.C. into ruins, but after a while, people began to mind their own business, and left the three of them alone.

After the attention of the three died down, Steve and Natasha began again doing what they had been doing for the past month: trying to get Bucky's memory back.

It was confusing process. First, they reminded Bucky of something, trying to give him all details possible. Now, there were two things that could happen. Bucky would not remember at all, and they would keep trying, or two, where a sudden flashback would come to his head, and he would remember completely. Sometimes, all they had to do was mention the incident and he would remember on the spot, but most of the time, it took about five minutes of explaining. But, the happy part is when Bucky remembered, and he was glad he had another memory in his brain.

So, they began the trip down memory lane once again, trying to get him to remember the incident when Steve and Bucky were five years old in Brooklyn.

It was a rather hilarious incident, and soon all three of them were laughing their heads off, and everyone was happy. Well, that is until Steve ran his waist into the table by accident.

When this happened, Steve groaned and winced in pain, and Natasha, who was sitting to his right, immediately started asking if Steve was alright.

Bucky looked at both of them, confused on why Steve was in pain just because he ran into a table. He always was a bit clumsy, and he was a super soldier, so it should only hurt a bit. But this time, everyone seemed really strange about it. Even Natasha looked worried, when she was always calm and cool about things. What was going on?

"Will it start bleeding again?" She asked.

"No, the last time it bled was a week ago, I think it is healing." Steve muttered.

"Hey, what's going on?" Bucky finally asked, and the two of them looked up, completely forgetting he was there.

"It's nothing, just a minor wound." Steve said.

Bucky was quiet for a minute or two, before asking, "From me?"

"It is just from the incident a month ago." Natasha said.

"What happened?" Bucky said.

"It was nothing; just… something… happened to my waist then, that's all." Steve said slowly, unsure on how to say it.

But, then, it was one of those rare occasions when Bucky remembered imminently. He knew why Steve's waist was in pain. He had shot him.

Steve saw the look in his face, and knew Bucky did remember. Steve moaned, wishing that Bucky wouldn't remember what had happened that day, because Steve and Natasha had been trying to ignore the subject for days. Bucky knew he had hurt Steve, but they only let on the minor injuries. But it seemed now that Bucky remembered everything that day perfectly.

"Bucky…" Steve murmured, but Bucky was already backing away from the table.

"You said it was minor." Bucky muttered.

"It's nothing." Steve said, trying to smile, but it seemed his face was broken, and unable to make any reactions form on his face, except maybe worry and pain.

"You said it had been bleeding." He said, pointing at Natasha, who looked frightened.

"Only a couple of times, but he is fine, aren't you Steve?" She asked, pleading silently that Steve wouldn't be an idiot.

"Of course I am." Steve said a little too quickly, and the three of them all noticed.

Bucky stood up to leave.

"Bucky wait!" Steve called after him, as Bucky walked away from the table. The diner hushed down a little, some people watching what was going on.

"It's okay; I'm alright, just come back!" Steve called, desperately. He began to run up to Bucky.

"I don't want to hurt you again, Steve. Just leave me alone." Bucky said.

"Bucky, just try to-"

"Leave me alone!" Bucky yelled, and Steve jumped back. Bucky then quickly ran out of the diner, and Natasha was holding Steve back, telling him that Bucky needed time to be alone.

Bucky ran down the driveway, to his car. He entered, and started the engine. Bucky glanced up at the review mirror, but looked at his own reflection, instead of one car backing out.

He was pale, long bangs slightly covering his eyes. He glanced in the mirror at his left, metal arm. He looked at his reflection again, and glared hard at it. He punched it as hard as he could, smashing the glass and making small shards covering the car's carpet.

He banged his head on the steering wheel, resting it there, and began to sob, only one thought going through his head: _Why am I such a monster?_

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**A/N: Well, what did you think? If you liked it, please favorite, follow, or review! If you have a question, private message me and I will answer as soon as I can! If you found a mistake you would like me to change, review or private message me! I thank you for reading this, and the next chapter is going to come out SOON! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: K, quick thank you to all of you who have been following or have favorite this story! I mean, I love coming home and seeing I have gotten them. Makes me feel good :) Oh yeah, and through the story, it might seem as though it may be a slash between Bucky and Steve. IT IS NOT. Yeah, thought I would let you know. Anyway, enough of me blab. Here is the story: **

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Bucky sat silently on his seat in the local bar. Music softly buzzed, and the bar was crowded with people, some talking and others not.

Bucky hadn't been outside his apartment building since the diner, and that was around nine in the morning. Now it was ten o'clock at night, and Bucky decided to go out to the bar. Steve always said with serum, you can't get drunk, but Bucky was just hoping that wasn't true.

The bar tender passed Bucky his drink, not even giving him the second glance. Bucky didn't like it when people stared, it made him feel uncomfortable. And they stare even more when Bucky is with Steve. They must be thinking of what happened that day…

Bucky blinked, trying to stop thinking of what happened that day. That was the reason he was here in the first place, to forget it all for a while.

But before he could do anything, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Steve.

"Natasha said I would most likely find you here." Steve murmured, not wanting anyone to overhear.

Bucky shrugged, looking anywhere but at him again. Bucky still wanted to be alone, but at the same time he didn't want to send him off.

"Come on Bucky." Steve said, dragging his best friend to his feet. Bucky didn't feel like arguing, and let Steve lead him out of the bar.

Down the street they walked, and up to Steve's apartment. Steve closed the door behind them, and motioned for him to sit on the couch left of the door, which Bucky did do.

Both were silent, Bucky sitting on the left side of Steve's couch, and Steve was sitting in an arm chair. Both of them didn't make a sound, not knowing what to say to the other.

"It isn't your fault." Steve finally blurted out. Bucky assumed Steve would say something like that, and decided to remain silent.

"You were brainwashed, you didn't do it by choice." Steve continued.

"So? Hundreds of people died because of me." Bucky spat, unable to keep silent anymore.

"On Hydra's account not yours. You weren't yourself."

"So?" Bucky stood up. "I chased you; I kicked you, I SHOT YOU!" He shouted these last three words, and Steve stood up too.

"You wouldn't do that if you were yourself! You and I both know that!" Steve shouted back.

"What does that matter?" Bucky growled, but afterwards, his face turned soft, pale, and scared. He sank back into the couch. "Steve… what if I killed you? What if I succeeded my mission, and when I turned back to normal, I found out I had killed you? How do you think I could deal with that thought, that I had killed my lifelong best friend? I could never forgive myself. And I did kill you. It was only a miracle that saved you." Bucky sunk his head his head into his hands and began to sob.

He felt an arm around his shoulder, and he leaned into the embrace. He didn't want to let go of what was the only reason he would care to live. Steve was the only person that made him feel like he wasn't garbage, and that he knew he didn't deserve.

"Bucky… you also saved me. You know that right?"

"Yes, I know but that was nothing, I just dived in the water, that still wasn't my-"

"No. I mean, yes, you did save me then, but my whole life, you saved me. You never left my side; when I was lonely, miserable, or frustrated, you always tried to make me happy again. Even when I had nothing," He smiled at Bucky "I had you."

Bucky looked up at Steve, his eyes still slightly misty. "But what if they come back for me? What if they try to make me do it again?"

Steve was quiet before he said, "Are you kidding? They will never even try to get near you, because they better know that you won't be alone. I will protect you from the entire world if I have to. Don't worry about anything. I always had you, and you will always have me."

After these words, they both went silent. After about three minutes or so, Steve looked down at Bucky, and found he was sound asleep, his head resting against Steve's shoulder. Steve placed Bucky on the couch, letting his head lie on the pillow. Steve then left the room, and lay on his own bed.

He knew Bucky would have to forgive himself sometime, but maybe not then. He thought that maybe overtime; Bucky could stop hating, be more understanding, and forgive himself. But now, Steve could only wait. And hope. He would be doing a lot of hoping for a while. That's all he could do.

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! I would love a review or a follower or someone favorite this, so if you liked it, please do! Thanks again, and see you in the next chapter!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Yay, I got a lot of new followers! Thanks to all of you! Reminder: No slash between Bucky and Steve. Well, hope you enjoy.**

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Even after the talk with Steve that night, Bucky still couldn't seem to forgive, let alone forget. The next two weeks, he stayed in his room, trying to find something to make him happy.

Often Steve visited, and they would talk for a little bit, and Bucky felt slightly better. But every night, he had nightmares of himself, and woke up the next morning feeling worse than the day before.

He hated a lot of things of being himself, and these things made him feel worse every day. One thing he hated was looking at himself in the mirror. He hated seeing his face, and his metal arm. He often looked at the floor every time he got near one, and wouldn't look at his reflection at all.

Another thing he hated was going outside his own room. He walked down the hallway, people stared at him. Mothers brought their children inside from playing. People looked through the peepholes and shades, anything they could so that they could see him, but not having to make eye contact.

So, everyday Bucky would never leave his room, and he would try to find something to do without having to make any interactions with anyone besides Steve.

He sometimes tried getting his memory back on his own, and only on rare occasions it would actually work; most of the time, though, it would make him angry, more depressed, and wishing there was something he could do to go back and change the past. But the past seemed to always be with him wherever he went.

* * *

On a Wednesday morning, though, he was trying to remember something, anything, about Hydra. He had to have remembered something, he was sure of it.

Racking his brains for any information, he tried to remember anything about the computer website and password. Surprisingly, it was one of those rare occasions where he remembered. It was like his brain was a dim room, and someone turned on the light.

Bucky laughed, and tried to remember more about it. He tried to remember the pass code for the computer, which he had to log onto so many times. And again, he remembered perfectly.

Bucky grinned, feeling happy, a feeling he hadn't felt in such a long time. He thought of what SHIELD would think of him now. Now they could hack into the system, and get all the information they needed. They might even respect Bucky a bit more.

But, just to make sure it worked; Bucky decided it would be best to try it out before giving the information to SHIELD.

He logged into his account on his laptop. He typed in the search address, learning to type from Tony Stark a while ago, and found the website, which was hidden well in case of anyone trying to break through.

After trying out the log in and pass code, he found to his surprise that it still worked, and felt himself beam. He now could earn more respect from the team Steve was on, and could be more helpful, hopefully.

Bucky was about to log out, until he noticed something at the side of the screen. He scrolled down to 'Recent Actions' and noticed a small army was sent out. He looked confused, and clicked on the link called 'More Info'

He only had to read a sentence before realizing what they were doing. He closed down his laptop immediately, and started to dress more appropriately then sports shorts and a loose T shirt. Because he read all the information he needed, and knew what they were going to do. They were going to go after Steve.

* * *

Steve stood at the counter, buttering toast. He heard the doorbell rang and, stuffing the piece of toast in his mouth, answered the door. There stood Natasha, right on schedule.

"Sorry I am late." Natasha said, swinging her red hair over her shoulders.

"Are you kidding? You are on time, as usual." Steve laughed, swallowing his toast.

"Well, I prefer to be early, so technically I am late." Natasha sat on the couch, lying back slightly onto a pillow.

Steve smiled, and sat on the other end of the couch.

"So? What did you call me about?" Natasha asked.

"Well, about Bucky…" Steve started, but Natasha cut him off again.

"I told you over and over again, give him a break." Natasha said, for she had seen him many times for this matter.

Steve sighed. "But we are not getting any farther into getting his memory back."

"I know, but it is for the best." Natasha said, reaching to grab his hand. They held tightly for a moment, before Steve let go and set his head into his hands.

"But, we have gotten this far. He only got a little of his memory-"

"Exactly; that is why we shouldn't keep bugging him about it. Let him be for a little bit. He has been through a lot, and it is hard for him." Natasha smiled encouragingly at him, and he smiled vaguely back.

That's when it happened. The window came crashing down, glass shards spraying all around the room. Natasha ducked over Steve's arms, which shielded her from all glass shards spraying down on them.

Sixteen spies came charging into the room, half pulling Natasha away nearer towards the window, and the other half pushing Steve to the wall in the kitchen.

The ones pushing Steve slammed him hard against the wall, forming a semi circle around him. Each pulled out a gun, holding it up to his face.

Steve searched for any possible way of escaping, but there were none. He looked over at Natasha, who was in the same position, knifes being held up to her throat. If she moved another inch, she would be dead...

"What do you want?" Steve asked, scared for Natasha. He couldn't stand the thought of someone else he loved being killed. He had lost more than anyone should lose in a life time.

"Valuable, is she?" The man in the center of Steve's semi circle sneered. Steve just glared back at him.

"She does have such a pretty face, doesn't she?" The man asked. "It would be such a loss if one of those knifes slipped, wouldn't it?" A man near Natasha slid his knife down her neck gently, but enough to make it bleed. Natasha held her breath, closing her eyes.

"Stop! Please, don't hurt her!" Steve yelled, and a couple men laughed.

"Then, Steve Rogers, give us the information we need, and we will be out of her." The man with the knife took the knife gently away from her throat.

Steve looked at the man. "What do you want?"

He smirked. "I knew we would come to an agreement. We need a man by the name of James Barnes." Steve felt his heart beat twice the normal speed.

"Why?" Steve asked, nervously.

"He knows a little too much. If he were to remember the information…" The man trailed off. "But it doesn't matter why. I know you know where he is." The man stared at Steve, hard.

Steve stayed silent, terrified.

"Well? Where is he!?" The man yelled.

"I won't tell you." Steve said, voice shaking slightly.

"Then I have no choice." The man smiled and the man near Natasha put the knife to her throat again, sliding it down quickly and roughly.

"Stop! Don't hurt her!" Steve yelled.

"I need her not to die. Tell me where he is!" The man yelled back. Natasha screamed from pain.

"Please, just kill me instead! Let her go!" Steve cried, eyes filling with tears.

"Tell me and I will let her go!" He yelled.

Steve couldn't just stand there any longer. He kicked down a man near the right, but felt a gun held at the back of his head. He heard the click of a trigger being pulled down.

"Move and you both will die." The man said.

Before anything else could happen, though, the front door was kicked down. The man with the knife held it up to the new enemy instead of Natasha, who had blood rolling down her neck, to her shoulders.

The man at the door charged through, revealing his true identity. It was Bucky. But Steve wasn't sure if he was glad or scared to see him.

Guns began firing, but off target. Bucky had a gun of his own, though. He shot quickly, but accurately. Hydra's men hit the floor, and Steve stood up finally. He ran down a hallway near his room, to a glass covering his shield. He broke the glass open, grabbed his shield, and threw it as hard as he could towards the men near Natasha.

Men began hitting the ground, either knocked out or dead. Natasha stole a knife from one of the men near her, and began to fight as well.

Steve looked up from one man, and looked up to see Bucky. Bucky looked up, too, and they made eye contact. Steve smiled, and for the first time in a long time, Bucky smiled back. They both were thinking the same thing; that they were glad they had each other backs.

Three gun shots were fired back of Bucky, at Bucky. Everything then was silent, Steve staring at Bucky with wide eyes, and Bucky with pain written all across his face. As if though in slow motion, Bucky fell onto his knees, holding his waist where he was shot, and came falling down. He never hit the ground, though, because Steve was there in a flash, holding Bucky in his arms.

"Bucky, no! No, no, no, no, no." Steve said quickly. Bucky was taking quick, short breaths, gasping for air.

"Bucky, it's alright! Everything is going to be alright, don't worry!" Steve said, eyes filling with tears.

"Steve, I'm not scared. I'm not worried." Bucky said in barley a whisper.

"You are going to be fine, I am here. I will always be here. Just stay with me, Bucky, stay with me!" Steve felt tears gushing out of his eyes, begging for his lifelong friend to live

"It's alright, Steve. I don't mind dying. I welcome it. I'm going to be alright." Bucky smiled weakly, and Steve shook his head, eyes hardly able to see anymore.

"You are not going to die; you are going to stay with me. You have to. How can I go on without you?" Steve pleaded.

"Don't worry Steve. I'm dying the right way." Bucky grasped onto Steve's hand. "I was with you until the end of the line." Bucky took another shaky breath, and smiled a little harder at Steve. "And I always will be." Bucky gasped one last time, before his eyes closed peacefully, as though he were asleep, and his grasp released from Steve's hands.

"Bucky? Bucky? Please, no, don't leave me. Bucky, come back!" Steve was screaming. "Bucky, don't leave me all alone! I can't go on without you! You are the other half of me! Bucky! No, Bucky, don't be dead! Bucky!" Steve felt his heart gave through, and he fell over Bucky, grasping onto him and broke down crying, but still felt himself screaming.

"Bucky, don't leave me! I need you! You were always there for me! Always! You can't be dead!" Steve cried harder. "Even when I had nothing, I always had you! And now you are gone! Why? Why can't it be me in your place? Why me?" Steve began to sob harder than ever, clutching onto Bucky's body.

"Bucky, you were right about one thing." Steve lifted his head slightly to his, though still blinded by tears. "You always were there for me. Until the end of the line."


	4. Chapter 4

"Mr. Rogers, you are allowed to enter." A nurse clutching a clipboard moved sideways to let Steve enter the room.

Steve moved quickly down the hallway, and turned left to room 149. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh. He didn't know if he was emotionally ready to enter the room. But it was now or never. There had to be a first time sometime.

He pulled his hand out of his pocket, and reached for the brass knob. His hand shook, but he kept it steady enough. He opened the door with gentle efforts, and saw his best friend lying on the hospital bed, his body facing the ceiling. Tubes and machines were connected to his body, the only thing keeping him alive.

Steve swallowed, a huge lump in his throat. He walked slowly over to the bed, legs feeling as though made of jelly.

He walked over to the bed, looking at Bucky's closed eyes. He knew he should be feeling lucky that Bucky wasn't dead. He was only in coma, because of too much blood being lost during the gun shots, and thanks to Natasha's hope that he might somehow be alive and called 911, Bucky just made it. But this seemed to be worse to Steve. Now he had to wait and see if Bucky would wake or not. And even if Bucky did wake, Steve had no idea when. Or what Bucky would be like afterwards.

And what if Bucky never awoke? What if he stayed asleep forever? When were the doctors going to pull the plug? These thoughts haunted Steve's mind, making him unable to sleep for days. And when Steve did sleep, he had only nightmares. In fact, Steve couldn't even remember what it was like not to be worried or scared. Since he was a younger kid, maybe, and even then he had bullies to worry about. But he always had Bucky to worry with him…

Steve shook his head, holding back whatever tears were in him. He put a hand into Bucky's, holding tightly. He wished he never had to let go.

"Bucky, it's Steve. I know you most likely can't hear me, but the doctors said when you recognize and hear my voice, you will recover quicker." Steve tried to smile at Bucky, but it ached to even try to be happy.

"I know things look hard right now. I can't sleep at night, I am so worried. You are going to be alright, though. You will never be alone. Everyone else is also sick with worry; Natasha, Tony, even Nick. You gotta come back. You have to." Steve finished these words, blinking quickly.

He hugged what little body wasn't covered with tubes tightly, and still holding back tears as he walked out of the room, leaving Bucky's body behind.

* * *

Two weeks passed since Steve's visit. Steve began to visit daily, wishing he could somehow make Bucky wake.

A day after the third week had begun; Steve was lying on the bed in his room. He had never left his room besides to visit Bucky. He had not seen anyone he knew, though many people had tried to visit. Natasha tried coming over to talk with him every day, Tony had tried come over a couple times, and even Nick had tried to drag him out of his house. But none had succeeded.

Steve rolled over onto his other side. He knew he was deep in depression, and didn't know how to get out. It was like he was in deep mud, and couldn't find a rope anywhere to pull him out. Bucky had always been his rope.

Steve closed his eyes, his heart feeling as though it had been shot with one of those guns. It felt as though it was poison, spreading through his body, aching every bone.

His phone rang from the kitchen. He stood up, and in no rush, walked over to his phone. It was most likely Natasha or Tony, begging him to get out of his room.

But, it wasn't. It was Brooklyn hospital. Steve's eyes felt as though popping out of his head. He picked up immediately.

"Hello?" He asked, breathlessly.

"Yes, this is Steve Rogers, correct?" A lady's voice asked politely.

"Yes?" Steve asked again.

"Mr. Barnes has awakened, and is requesting for you immediately."

"Okay, be right there." Steve said, eyes now aglow, pushed the 'End', and ran to threw on his shoes.

He grabbed his car keys and ran out the door, almost knocking into two of his elderly neighbors, and hardly apologizing. Bucky was alive and that was all that mattered.

* * *

Steve ran through the hospital doors.

"Name?" The nurse at the counter asked.

"Steve Rogers." She looked up quickly.

"Yes, in that room." She said. Steve didn't even hesitate, but ran into room 149.

When he entered the room, he saw Bucky, staring at the ceiling, until he heard the noise of the door closing. Both of them gazed at each other.

"Steve?" Bucky asked weakly.

Steve's eyes filled with tears again. "Oh Bucky…" He raced over to his bed and hugged Bucky's body, which hugged him back.

"I thought you were dead!" Steve said, wiping tears out of his eyes.

"I thought I was too." Bucky agreed, and laughed. "Wait, how long have I been out?" He asked, not smiling as much anymore.

"About a month." Steve confessed, sitting in a chair near Bucky's bed. Bucky's eyes got wide.

"I was asleep for a month?" He whispered, shocked of this information.

"Yes, you were." Steve sighed.

"And… you came here?" Bucky asked.

"Everyday." Steve replied.

"Why? I mean, I wasn't very interesting, lying here alone in bed, without anything to say or any emotions." Bucky said.

"Because, I am with you until the end of the line." Steve smiled, and Bucky smiled back at him.

"Help me up." Bucky said.

"What?"

"I have to stand sometime, help me up."

"Are you sure-"

"Yeah, it'll be fine, c'mon." Steve looked behind him at a doctor passing by questioningly. The doctor looked at Bucky, nodded, and continued walking

Steve shrugged and carefully put his arms around Bucky's shoulders, raising him up. Bucky held his breath, getting onto his feet. Once standing, Steve began to let go, but Bucky almost fell over, and Steve caught him.

"I guess not that steady, huh?" Steve asked which got him an elbow in the ribs from Bucky.

"I just woke up from a three week sleep, what do you think, I'll be perfect?" Bucky asked, and Steve grinned.

"Well, I'll tell you one thing, Bucky." Steve's smile got broader "It's good to have you back."

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**A/N: Yeah, I just couldn't bring myself to make Bucky die. I just couldn't do it. But, yeah, here it is! Hope you have enjoyed! I think there is one more chapter, then... complete. **


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